Perception and Conflict

Teens are very perceptive. It comes with the territory. They are evaluating themselves, their surroundings, and their larger culture on a minute by minute basis. As a parent, I'm sure it doesn't seem like they are all that perceptive, all that often. My parents uttered, "You thought / think what?" in despair so many times, that it is burned into my memory. Maybe you've had the same experience as a parent. However, I promise you that your teen really is an ultra-perception machine! They're so good at it, that they don't even know they do it all the time! It is just a part of identity formation through adolescence. Essentially,  they are constantly answering two questions: 1. Who / what do I want to be like? 2. Who / what do I not want to be like?

And, they answer those questions about us as parents in relation  to themselves as well. Does that make you nervous, maybe a little angry? How many of us went through adolescence saying, "I'll never be like my mom / dad!" And, how many of us now are resigning ourselves to the fact that in some ways, we're just like mom or dad. Don't worry your teen will go through the same process some day too. ;) (PS. Don't rub it in their faces. It's just not good for anyone.)

You know how far you've come, grown, and matured. But, as your teen is perceiving their world, and you, they don't always get those details. Remember, I didn't say their perceptions were always 100% accurate. That makes a good case to bring your teen in on your journey. Spare some of the gory details, but let them know you're growing... a work in progress. Being transparent offers a very safe and comforting feeling for your young "work in progress".

What hurts though, is when your teen throws your imperfections back in your face. Honestly, that is one of the bigger regrets in my life. I made perceptions of my parents, and they were accurate perceptions, in a very limited context. But, just like a quote taken out of context can hurt and destroy, so can a perception. And so, I verbalized my out of context perceptions to wound my parents. As I got older, and more self reflective, I realized what I had done, and the context I missed in my perceptions. If you are the parent of a teen, this is going to happen to you. Sorry for he bad news. So what can we do when it happens? An article over at The Gospel Coalition site, had some helpful thoughts. Here they are:

1. Seek forgiveness: "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you." James 4:10 

Want to shock a grudge-holding family member? Start by asking for forgiveness. There's nothing that cuts quite so deep as humble repentance. If they ask why, you can share how the gospel has illumined your own sin by the light of God's grace. You can explain how Christ's humility on the cross convicts you of your own arrogance, and that repenting to him enables you to ask forgiveness of them.

2. Speak softly: "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer will be curiously received by an unbelieving family member who has received the opposite from you in the past. Controlling your tongue will always speak louder than using it to cut another spiritual incision into an already tender situation. This is a general principle, so although a soft tone won't always calm a stormy feud, I think it's safe to say that an angry rant never will. Think about the channels of communication that might open up when a family member responds, "Your reaction really surprised me, I thought you'd be upset."

3. Show kindness: "Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation." 1 Peter 2:12

Look for opportunities to sacrificially bless unbelieving members of your family. If you're far away, contact them occasionally to let them know you're praying and thinking about them. If they live close, make yourself available to them. In this way they will see a heart for Christ that also cares about them, and they won't have any reason to speak negatively either in their hearts or with their mouths about your actions.

I don't know my current status with my family. I probably never will. But I do know that each of us needs to come clean and repent of our own failures with our families.
Pray with me that God would give us a gospel-infused love for our families that causes us to be more critical of our own sin than theirs. Pray with me that Jesus would give us prayerful, less prideful hearts that overflow with mercy and forbearance. Pray with me that the Holy Spirit would help us forgive as we continue to be forgiven.

And by God's grace, they may yet glorify him.

Check out the full article here. It's larger context is in dealing with family conflict, but it has great application to conflict with your teen too.